About 3 or 4 times a year for maybe the last 15 years, I have a dream where my teeth start falling out of my mouth. The dream varies, sometimes I’m at a party, sometimes I’m at home brushing my teeth, whatever, at some point, either a tooth (or multiple teeth) feels loose, or just pops out of my mouth like a Chicklet. I’m usually pretty horrified, and usually will try to push the tooth back in my mouth. The whole thing is tense and awful and it’s about as close to a nightmare as I ever have.

I don’t know if the dream is actually about a fear of losing my teeth, as I don’t have a conscious fear of toothlessness, in fact, if I wasn’t such a lazy ass, I’d have already made an appointment to have a couple of them yanked. This isn’t something creepy, my wisdom teeth have been growing in, on and off for years now. They’ve pushed all my teeth forward to make room for themselves, and while no one has begun referring to me as ‘bucky,’ I do have to do something to remedy the problem. That means: getting my wisdom teeth out, and then getting braces or something like it. How many pairs of Louboutin heels are there to a full set of Invisalign?

Oh.

Really? That many? Crap.

“Sincere apologies for the mix-up, but I must say, these are some of my best work.”

The Princess and I have been together for something like, a dozen years? Nope, eleven years, we’re in our twelfth. We’re a pretty lovey dovey couple, but we’re continually stumped by obligatory romantic occasions. For at least the last eight years, we’ll reach February before one of us remembers that our “anniversary” has past. Then a couple weeks later he wakes up with a start exclaiming,

“Crap! It’s my brother’s birthday tomorrow!”

Which leads us to the realisation that today is Valentine’s Day. Tomorrow everyone will want to hear how the oooiest gooiest couple they know marked the occasion, and we’ll disappoint them yet again. Really, by now they should expect this. Granted, when we tell people that we just stayed in, I think it’s received with a bit of a saucy wink.

I’m pretty sure we’ve never done anything for our anniversary (though this year we decided to try to do something next time), and we’ve done at least two Valentine’s Days. Once we went out for dinner in Toronto – I don’t remember the restaurant, but it was fancy and expensive. The food was good, but we were seated next to a bizarre couple. The guy was so Japanese maffia (figuratively), and he spent the entire dinner snapping at various people on his two cell phones, and checking his pager (this was long enough ago that people still used pagers). The woman was wearing something like six grand worth of clothes (including her shoes and bag), and maybe another grand in jewellery. She didn’t seem to notice that her boyfriend spoke just one sentence to her the entire meal. The other time – also in Toronto, we had both forgotten VDay, but the Princess bought me a really awesome motorcycle jacket, so we decided to call it a Valentine’s present. It didn’t fit my gangling arms, but I was able to have it altered.

So what’s up for tonight? Well, we’re staying in.