I just realised that there is a pretty sizable percentage of people I know who have never interacted with me while I was entirely sober. Or at all sober. It’s an inverse relationship, the less I know you, the more you can expect that I’ve been drinking. Think about how you mingle at a party: you arrive sober and greet the people you know best, you get a drink, you greet the people you know but haven’t seen for a bit, you keep drinking, you get introduced to new people and greet those you rarely see. Repeat at each occasion. If you only see certain people at drinking occasions, they never see you sober. Especially so, if you consider yourself socially awkward and for the benefit of humanity consider it best to enjoy a medicinal cocktail or two. Though, on that note, I’m realising that almost everyone I know considers themselves to be socially awkward.

You know you’re failing the social media game when … people you actually know in real life unfollow you on Twitter.

How awkward.

Do I unfollow them back? Except if I do, then they’ll know that I know, which is even, you know, awkwarder. Except I’ve put up with their lame ass tweets without complaint and this should be an easy out.

And, what happens when I see them in person again? Do I pretend like I somehow don’t know that they unfollowed me? What’s the etiquette here? Of course there probably isn’t a set etiquette because you’re not supposed to get unfollowed by people you actually know!

And dammit, why won’t Johnny Depp make more movies where he just looks handsome!