I will no longer tolerate gross misuse of the word ‘literally.’ If you tell me that you literally shit yourself, I will give you a look of horror and ask how you handled the situation. If you tell me that you literally wanted to kill someone, I will give you the number of a great therapist, so you can work on anger management. ‘Literally’ means it actually happened, like in real life and everything, with memories of the event, and often consequences. Though, I will also accept the more liberal ‘virtually, very nearly, in effect’ usage of the word. Sometimes you laugh until it feels like you are actually in danger of pissing yourself, though you do not actually do so, if in that instance one said ‘I literally pissed myself’ I will accept it – see, I’m not rigid. If you giggled slightly or found something mildly amusing and state that ‘I literally pissed myself’ – I’ll recommend a good bladder control product and comment on how you do often smell like urine.

I understand that people misuse words – I do it, everybody does it. But when I do it, it’s because I actually thought the word meant something different, or the wrong word popped out unintentionally. When I realise what the word actually means, I change my usage. I also understand that the meanings and usage of words often change over time. And indeed, the word literally has evolved, but not to the point where it refers to things that have no basis in reality. If you drift into the opposing lane of traffic and swerve back before getting hit by a car – go ahead and say ‘I literally almost died.’ But if you were simply sick in bed with the flu, you did not literally almost die. Maybe you ‘literally felt like you were throwing up an intestine’ – I’ll take that, and that leaves people a huge amount of wiggle room before I get pissy.

We have so many other words and phrases we can use to convey the magnitude of an event or feeling, why do we have to butcher this one?