You know how that one time, for funsies, you thought it would be a good idea to write your list? Sorry, your List. You know, the list of everyone in your current or past on whom you wish unbearable physical harm/humiliation/financial ruin etc? And then for whatever reason, instead of throwing it away, you put it somewhere for safe keeping, maybe because you thought it was kind of funny, or maybe because it was on paper and you felt Go-Green guilt for putting it in the garbage – and even if you tore it up it would still be too intact to go in the recycling – because people can be unethical snoops and you never did get around to investing in a shredder. And then out of the blue, one of the people on your list actually dies. And then part of you has a really terrible urge to dig up that old list and cross the name out, or put a check mark beside it – because that’s the sort of thing you do when maintaining a list. Except that would be crazy so you can’t. And if it was ever found it would be weird enough to explain on its own, and even weirder to explain with one of the names crossed out and dated.

So what I’m saying is: Goodbye Aunt Jane, your popcorn always smelled like pantyhose and the possible explanations for that still frighten me.

Joking joking – Aunt Jane and her pantyhose popcorn died years ago!