When someone tells me that they’re doing a ‘cleanse’ I usually have to try not to roll my eyes. As soon as cleanses are introduced into a discussion, toxins are not far behind. It’s embarrassing. I have to tune out of the conversation in order to maintain respect for the person I’m talking to. Would you like to buy some Kinoki foot pads? No, that’s foolish – everybody knows that the only way to get rid of toxins is through the digestive tract. Alternatively, wearing the t-shirts offered in my GurgleSlurp shop are a surefire way to extract toxins from your chest and back, protecting the heart and vital organs. In fact, if you’re not wearing a GurgleSlurp shirt, toxins are already causing irreparable harm!

So anyway, I’m doing this cleanse.

Yeah, I know.

Every once in a while my post Ulcerative Colitis tummy starts to hurt. Nothing to call the Gastroenterologist over – a colonoscopy would reveal a perfect colon. It just hurts. The cure is just to stop eating for a couple of days, but that pretty much sucks too. I hate being hungry. I’d rather have a tummy ache than hunger pangs. So instead, I figured I would try a ‘cleanse’ of some sort.

I have the whole UC thing to work around so all of the pro poop cleanses were out of the question. I didn’t want anything that lasted more than a few days – so none of those 3 week no meat no cheese no gluten no anything you might actually want to eat plans. I didn’t just want to drink fruit juices – I can eat sugar for days on end, but I don’t really like to drink it – but I also wanted to avoid a lot of chewing. Also, I don’t really want to lose any weight, so it would have to have enough calories in it. So I tried one of the shakes and vegetable juice plans.

Today was day one. And I think I might be done with it. The shakes are disgusting! The vegetable juice is okay, but … the shakes are disgusting! Who could drink this more than once? Maybe if I believed in toxins I could scare myself into drinking it, but I don’t, so I can’t. Maybe it’ll be better in my porridge, that’s a chew free meal.

Maybe I should just stop having chocolate for breakfast.