About 3 or 4 times a year for maybe the last 15 years, I have a dream where my teeth start falling out of my mouth. The dream varies, sometimes I’m at a party, sometimes I’m at home brushing my teeth, whatever, at some point, either a tooth (or multiple teeth) feels loose, or just pops out of my mouth like a Chicklet. I’m usually pretty horrified, and usually will try to push the tooth back in my mouth. The whole thing is tense and awful and it’s about as close to a nightmare as I ever have.

I don’t know if the dream is actually about a fear of losing my teeth, as I don’t have a conscious fear of toothlessness, in fact, if I wasn’t such a lazy ass, I’d have already made an appointment to have a couple of them yanked. This isn’t something creepy, my wisdom teeth have been growing in, on and off for years now. They’ve pushed all my teeth forward to make room for themselves, and while no one has begun referring to me as ‘bucky,’ I do have to do something to remedy the problem. That means: getting my wisdom teeth out, and then getting braces or something like it. How many pairs of Louboutin heels are there to a full set of Invisalign?

Oh.

Really? That many? Crap.