The plumber came, we ran the laundry machine, the dishwasher, turned on every tap, flushed every toilet … and nothing. No leak. The conclusion? It wasn’t a burst pipe, it was the laundry machine. Despite the total lack of water near the machine, it was draining when the leak started, so it seems the only suspect. So I ran a load, nothing. Another load, nothing. A third load, and nothing. And now a fourth load. Why won’t the machine leak again? How did it leak in the first place? Why do our laundry machines hate us? I don’t put gross things in there. We don’t have orgies, we don’t mud wrestle, we don’t have pie eating contests, we shower daily – there’s no reason for our laundry machines to rebel against us. Now and again I’ve failed to fully empty a pocket and ran a laundry with a Werther’s hard candy or a Kleenex in it, but that couldn’t be reason enough, could it?

Water is the bane of this house’s existence. A few years ago the laundry machine started overflowing, flooding the laundry-room and the basement. That happened twice. We replaced the machine and all seemed well. Then a weird thing happened with the car and something to do with leaves somehow getting clogged somewhere and the car flooded. We had a new HVAC installed and a tube was installed incorrectly, totally flooding the basement after the first heat wave. A water filtration pump didn’t flow properly, totally flooding the basement again. And now? I run a load of laundry, we start to hear a weird sound, the basement is flooded – but the machine isn’t overflowing. I search and see that the water is coming from off to the side, either behind the wall or under the floor – whatever the laundry machine drains into has burst. FUCK! What the fuck?! Who has this many water issues? I’m blaming The Princess, I think it’s some sort of freak passive aggressive telekinetic terribleness, which happens when he’s been upset/over stressed for too long.

I just realised that there is a pretty sizable percentage of people I know who have never interacted with me while I was entirely sober. Or at all sober. It’s an inverse relationship, the less I know you, the more you can expect that I’ve been drinking. Think about how you mingle at a party: you arrive sober and greet the people you know best, you get a drink, you greet the people you know but haven’t seen for a bit, you keep drinking, you get introduced to new people and greet those you rarely see. Repeat at each occasion. If you only see certain people at drinking occasions, they never see you sober. Especially so, if you consider yourself socially awkward and for the benefit of humanity consider it best to enjoy a medicinal cocktail or two. Though, on that note, I’m realising that almost everyone I know considers themselves to be socially awkward.

1. I hate when companies call me, and before I can even say hello I realise that I’m already on hold. Why not wait until there’s someone available to speak to me before the autodial calls? Is that really such a difficult piece of programing? Really?
2. ‘Disappearing’ the neighbours’ dog is not an option.
3. Leeks are awesome.
4. My mom and 3 of her friends (all over 60) are planning a trip to the Caribbean, and when she invites me along she’s actually serious. How does she come to the conclusion that this will be fun for all? This isn’t even fun for some. This wouldn’t even be fun for her. And she’s a bit miffed that I declined.
5. I need to move my seedlings into the garden early so as to deny The Princess the opportunity to kill them while I’m travelling.
6. I don’t know what I’ve eaten that’s made me this gassy.
7. Leeks are still awesome.

You know you’re failing the social media game when … people you actually know in real life unfollow you on Twitter.

How awkward.

Do I unfollow them back? Except if I do, then they’ll know that I know, which is even, you know, awkwarder. Except I’ve put up with their lame ass tweets without complaint and this should be an easy out.

And, what happens when I see them in person again? Do I pretend like I somehow don’t know that they unfollowed me? What’s the etiquette here? Of course there probably isn’t a set etiquette because you’re not supposed to get unfollowed by people you actually know!

And dammit, why won’t Johnny Depp make more movies where he just looks handsome!